When Can I Make My Memories Go Away?

MRYGOWAY
This song is about how it feels to have traumatic memories that you want to get rid of. It's the next song in the series of songs about a fucked up school (see below if you're unfamiliar with this project). In the song, the main character (the woman in the picture) is experiencing traumatic memories of doing stupid things, as well as traumatic memories of being yelled at by teachers.

As a side note, if any of you out there can relate to this song, EMDR is a great type of therapy for getting rid o' those traumatic memories (but you gotta be psychologically stable in order for this procedure to be safe).

Poopity poops.

Weird memories go away
This is last week's song turned around backwards. The rhythm is a little wonky in places. 

Here are the lyrics:

I steered my boat and it ran aground, my memories go away

I steered my boat and it ran aground, my memories go away

I have a little gift projector, it’s a thing you can use on your birthday

It is a thing from the first director, of that stupid play

When can I make my memories go away

All the teachers in my brain, they say that I am bad

When they yell at me inside my memories , I get sad

When can I make my memories go away

I did stupid things, then I did more stupid things
Then I did a bunch of stupid things all in a row

The teachers know I’m stupid-ing

And that my song will stupid sing

And I am just the stupid queen

Who wants to date the stupid king

Blowing nails into the summer / singing in the dawn

The teachers tell me that I’m dumber / and I should be gone

When can I make my memories go away?

One day, I started writing a song about a fucked up school. Then, a few days later, that lawsuit came out, involving those pervy professors in the Dartmouth Department of Psychological and Brain Sciences. I was all, oh, my stars!!! That’s where I got my Ph.D.! Then I finished writing the song about a week later. I thought it was just a song about how the school system fucks up kids, but after I finished writing and recording it, I realized parts of it were about my experiences in that poopy psych department (the unconscious mind works in mysterious ways). In any event, I decided to write an album about a fucked up school in order to process my experiences of having been in that department and how the culture there impacted me. This album ain’t necessarily about Dartmouth, per se. It’s more of a weird, inner exploration where I’m, like, having a fucked up dialogue with my unconscious about my experiences at Dartmouth. Jung used to call that kind of stuff “active imagination.”

Yewuh-Wug

YEWUHWUG

 Here's the backwards version of next week's song about the fucked up school. The picture is made up of the colors I imagine the song as being. Do other people hear songs as being certain colors?

I feel pretentious for drawering a mandala. It's like I'm pretentious mandala-drawing girl.

Maybe I'm Too Grateful

GRATEFL2
In this song about the fucked up school (see below if you don't know what I'm talking about), the teachers are putting pressure on the students to be grateful for being at the fucked up school. The main character (the girl/woman on the left) wonders if she's bein' too grateful, as a result of obeying them.

I s'pose that prompts the question, can you be too grateful for something? I'm not sure. I know listing things for which you're grateful is supposed to be a tool for managing depression, but when people tell me to be grateful, I get all grumpy. It feels invalidating; I mean, if your life is going terribly, it feels stupid to list stuff you're grateful for.

When some high and mighty asshole who has a good life tells someone who has a bad life to be grateful, it feels all condescending. I wanna say, "It's easy for YOU to practice gratitude because everything's coming up roses in your dumb life. Fuck off, asshole! You heard me - fuck off!"

Whoops, I got carried away there.

Then there's the next question: does saying, "I'm grateful for this thing" jinx the thing you're grateful for? It feels like when I practice gratitude for something, it's just tempting fate. That's what it feels like.

But in any event, the jerky teachers tell the students to be grateful, and it doesn't sit right with the narrator of the song.

Weird too grateful

 This is last week's song if you turn it around backwards.

Weird grateful

Here's a crappy mix of last week's song if you turn it around backwards.

The lyrics are:

The teacher said you can’t be grateful enough, grateful enough

Maybe I’m too grateful…cuz my mind is gone

Maybe I’m too grateful…and it don’t feel wrong

Maybe I’m too grateful

Maybe I’m too grateful…Maybe I’m too gratefu-u-u-ul

The teachers told them to be grateful every single day

For the lessons they are learning during their incessant stay

The angels’ minds are stinging singing tryin’ to get through to her

And they’re stressed it’s such a mess because her mind is such a blur

Maybe I’m too grateful…for this stupid class

Maybe I’m too grateful…the teacher is an ass

Maybe I’m too grateful

Her mind got really creepy sleepy, it was not her own

Troubles in the bad knees and we think she’s all alone

School is fucking mucking up her mind down to the bone

Waking up real scared because she knows she lost her home

We think she is trying to remember her name

But we think she has forgotten cuz she don’t feel the same

Trying to remember who she was yesterday

Sitting in that classroom made her memories go away

Maybe I’m too grateful…Maybe I’m too gratefu-u-u-ul

The teachers told them to be grateful every single day

For the lessons they are learning during their incessant stay

The angels’ minds are stinging singing tryin’ to get through to her

And they’re stressed it’s such a mess because her mind is such a blur

One day, I started writing a song about a fucked up school. Then, a few days later, that lawsuit came out, involving those pervy professors in the Dartmouth Department of Psychological and Brain Sciences. I was all, oh, my stars!!! That's where I got my Ph.D.! Then I finished writing the song about a week later. I thought it was just a song about how the school system fucks up kids, but after I finished writing and recording it, I realized parts of it were about my experiences in that poopy psych department (the unconscious mind works in mysterious ways). In any event, I decided to write an album about a fucked up school in order to process my experiences of having been in that department and how the culture there impacted me. This album ain't necessarily about Dartmouth, per se. It's more of a weird, inner exploration where I'm, like, having a fucked up dialogue with my unconscious about my experiences at Dartmouth. Jung used to call that kind of stuff "active imagination." 

Luft Yehrg

LUFTYRG1

This is the backwards version of next week's song. The picture is my attempt to draw what the song sounds like it would look like.

I Am Stupid

I am stupid mix 15

This is the next song in the continuing series of songs about a fucked up school. This one's about how the teachers make the students feel stupid.  (See below if you're unfamiliar with this project).

I was looking at all the blog entries in this series the other day and realized, whoops, it started out with the main character being a grown up woman, and then a little ways in, she regressed and turned into a little girl.  I was all, "ooooops," when I noticed that.

I made her grown up again in this song - see, the picture above is her as a grown up woman (yeah, I suck at drawing women); and the dude is her friend, that boy in the baseball cap in previous entries, but all growed up.

Yeah, that was weird that I made the character regress in this here blog. But, as I've been sayin' all along, the unconscious mind - which is where I'm gettin' lots of this material from - exists in all time periods, not just one. That's why a lot of these songs have stuff in them from both my grad-school days, and my little kid days. Cuz that old unconscious mind of mine is accessing all different time periods. Dood.

Weird i am stupid mix 2

Here's last week's song if you turn it around backwards.

And here are the lyrics:

I’m as insignificant as a speck of dust on a mosquito’s butt

There she is again, we found her again

Her brain got twisted and got torqued

And now she thinks she is a dork

Who never does her work that well

And now she thinks she’s goin’ to Hell

We are the angels who are tryin’ to tell her that she’s fine

But she don’t hear us cuz the teachers got into her mind

She used to be able to communicate with us

But she lost that connection when she got on that bus

The only thing she knows now is stupidness and dread

And it makes her never want to get out of bed

We work hard, don’tcha know, but the teachers said we don’t

I am stupid

And we’re going to hell cuz we did not hear the bell

We were late to class and the teacher said…

We are stupid

One day, I started writing a song about a fucked up school. Then, a few days later, that lawsuit came out, involving those pervy professors in the Dartmouth Department of Psychological and Brain Sciences. I was all, oh, my stars!!! That's where I got my Ph.D.! Then I finished writing the song about a week later. I thought it was just a song about how the school system fucks up kids, but after I finished writing and recording it, I realized parts of it were about my experiences in that poopy psych department (the unconscious mind works in mysterious ways). In any event, I decided to write an album about a fucked up school in order to process my experiences of having been in that department and how the culture there impacted me. This album ain't necessarily about Dartmouth, per se. It's more of a weird, inner exploration where I'm, like, having a fucked up dialogue with my unconscious about my experiences at Dartmouth. Jung used to call that kind of stuff "active imagination." 

Backwards Song About Stupidness

BCKSTUPD

This is the backwards version of next week's song, which'll be the next song in the continuing series of songs about a fucked up school.  The colors of the water in the picture are the colors I imagine the first part of the song as sounding like.  The colors of the sailboat and the sky are the colors I imagine the second part of the song as sounding like.

Why Did I Die Today?

DIETODAY
Here's the next song in the series of songs about a fucked up school. (If you're new to this blog or don't know what I'm talking about, scroll to the bottom of this post for further explanation).

Yeah, so this song ain't about a literal death, but a figurative one. Like, it's a song about a day that changes one's life for the worse - and as such, it can feel like a death. In the narrative, the main character's guardian angels lose track of her because her mind got all distorted by the fucked up school on that day of poopy badness. It got fucked up and distorted by the fucked up school and all the dumb, boring lessons that turned her mind into mush. When one's mind turns to mush, it's hard to communicate with angels, probably because it's hard for a mushy, corrupted mind to pick up angels' signals. And it's hard for angels to pick up signals coming from such a mind because a mushy distorted mind ain't good at sending out telepathic signals.

In listening to the song, I think - autobiographically speaking - it's about my first day of kindergarten. That was a really stupid day, a day in which everything changed. Everything all turned into stupidness (it doesn't help when you have a kindergarten teacher who is evil and hates kids).

It's also about 2 days I can pinpoint in my experiences in the Dartmouth Department of Psychological and Brain Sciences. I ain't gonna say exactly which days they were cuz I'm not ready to be all open about that. I think I still need time to process those poopy events. But - FYI - it's nuthin' like what happened to the people in the lawsuit, described below. Yeah, I'm still puzzling out what all contributed to those 2 days of metaphorical death. It can be tricky to partial out what all accounts for bad events in your life. It's easy to say, "I didn't play any role in this," but in reality, more often than not, one contributes at least in part, to poopy events in one's life.

Oh yeah, the picture is the girl, who's the main character, and her friend waiting for the School Bus of Death. The girl has a unicorn on her lunch box.

Weird why did i die today
Here's last week's song if you play it backwards.

Here are the lyrics - the ones in blue are from the angels' points of view, the ones in red are from the main-character-girl's point of view, and the ones in white are the disembodied narrator (or maybe that's me, come to think of it):

She’s having a nice day / so now we can relax

She’s having a nice day / but we will not turn our backs

She’s having a nice day / oh, wait, where did she go?

She’s having a nice day / Oh, fuck, we do not know

And the teachers told us / that the world is flat

And our minds got boring / the longer that we sat

Just this day, why did I die today?

And the teachers told us / lather, rinse, repeat

Learn this stupid lesson / and you will get a treat

Just this day, why did I die today?

Oh fuck what did the teachers do to her brain? / Took a wild animal and they made her tame

Listening to lessons in the middle of the day / She would have been better off if they’d let her play

When her mind got boring / she thought that she had died

A little bit of stupidness / is what she felt inside

The angels could not find her / because she lost her mind

To stupid, boring teachers / that made the angels blind

Just this day, why did I die today?

One day, I started writing a song about a fucked up school. Then, a few days later, that lawsuit came out, involving those pervy professors in the Dartmouth Department of Psychological and Brain Sciences. I was all, oh, my stars!!! That's where I got my Ph.D.! Then I finished writing the song about a week later. I thought it was just a song about how the school system fucks up kids, but after I finished writing and recording it, I realized parts of it were about my experiences in that poopy psych department (the unconscious mind works in mysterious ways). In any event, I decided to write an album about a fucked up school in order to process my experiences of having been in that department and how the culture there impacted me. This album ain't necessarily about Dartmouth, per se. It's more of a weird, inner exploration where I'm, like, having a fucked up dialogue with my unconscious about my experiences at Dartmouth. Jung used to call that kind of stuff "active imagination." 

Backwards Song With "Fuck" In It

BACKWDIE

 Here's the backwards version of next week's song. The rapping part has the word, "fuck" in it several times.

Morning Comes to Town, Mourning Comes to Town

MOURNING
Here's the next song in the series of songs about a fucked up school (see the thingy at the bottom if you're new to this here blog or don't know what I'm talking about). This is a song with a play on words, where it could be about morning, or it could be about mourning. I mean, it's actually about both - they're all interchangeable. In this song, the fucked up school is fucking up kids in such a way that they grieve for the lives they could have had if they had not gone to that fucked up school. It also has to do, in general, with how kids lose their innocence when they end up in the school system.

It's about other stuff, too, stuff that's kickin' around in my brain about my own life. Listening to it, I realize it relates to the dumb public school system I went to, as well as some o' the poopy experiences that came outta bein' in the Dartmouth Psychological and Brain Sciences department. It's weird how my unconscious mind merged it all together; but, then again, Carl Jung says that the unconscious doesn't have the same sense of time that the conscious mind has. The unconscious is in all time periods at once (or, at least I think that's what he said).

The picture's my attempt to draw little kids, y'know, little kids sitting at their desks. The girl is sad and mourning for the life she coulda had, had she not gone to that fucked up school. The boy is staring into space, the way the song implies.

Weird morning comes to town
This is last week's song if you turn it around backwards.

Here are the lyrics:

And I’m here/ with pretentious teachers, scary mean bad creatures

And I’m here/ In the fucked up school where we all have a blank stare

Morning comes to town, Mourning comes to town

It was my last chance chance chance chance chance chance chance chance chance chance chance chance

I forgot how to dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance

It’s the obligatory rap of the song

As a matter of fact the story is wrong

The school that was supposed to be hoity toity cool

Made the students dumb…turned them into tools

Wish that they could live their lives all over again

Now they’re spending time thinking ‘bout what could have been

Would their lives have been nifty and cool

If they had not gone to that stupid dumb school

And I’m here / smoking pot in the toilet with my friends who like it

Morning comes to town, Mourning comes to town

It was my last chance chance chance chance chance chance chance chance chance chance chance chance

I forgot how to dance dance dance dance dance dance dance dance

One day, I started writing a song about a fucked up school. Then, a few days later, that lawsuit came out, involving those pervy professors in the Dartmouth Department of Psychological and Brain Sciences. I was all, oh, my stars!!! That's where I got my Ph.D.! Then I finished writing the song about a week later. I thought it was just a song about how the school system fucks up kids, but after I finished writing and recording it, I realized parts of it were about my experiences in that poopy psych department (the unconscious mind works in mysterious ways). In any event, I decided to write an album about a fucked up school in order to process my experiences of having been in that department and how the culture there impacted me. This album ain't necessarily about Dartmouth, per se. It's more of a weird, inner exploration where I'm, like, having a fucked up dialogue with my unconscious about my experiences at Dartmouth. Jung used to call that kind of stuff "active imagination." 

Backwards Song About Mourning or Morning

BACMOURN

Here's the backwards version of next week's song, which is part of the continuing series of songs about a fucked up school. The forwards version is about mourning. But it might also be about morning. There's a picture of a snake cuz the word "snake" shows up in the song repeatedly.

Mister Rogers Graduation Speech Song

MRROGERS
This is a song about Fred Rogers coming and speaking at my Dartmouth graduation. It's the next song in the continuing series of songs about a fucked up school. (See below if you're new to this here blog or have no idea what I'm talking about).

See, this song can go 2 different ways. It could be a song about kids being at a fucked up school, who got fucked up by that school, and Mister Rogers coming to make them feel better.

But it could also be a song about real life. See, as I said above, he was the commencement speaker at my graduation, and I've been thinking a lot about him and that speech he gave. As a result, I decided to write a song about the day he came and gave that speech. It was a fan-tabulous speech. I think everyone in the audience was blown away. It was the best-est graduation speech in the history of mankind.

A couple notes....

When the song sez, "Mister Rogers came that day to wipe the students' tears away," I'm talking, in part, about how he addressed 9-11 in that there speech. But as I said, above, it could also be him comforting students who got fucked up by their school.

About the picture: First of all, my apologies to Mister Rogers, up in Heaven, if that's not a good likeness of him. Secondly, you'll notice that the graduating students all look like middle aged men. That's because I'm not a very good draw-er, and as such, the only cartoon characters I can draw adequately are middle aged men. Young people and women - I'm not good at drawering them. Poopity poop. Thirdly, I was trying to make the graduating people look like they're being moved to tears by the speech - but they just ended up looking bummed out. Oh, and I accidentally drew the lectern thingy backwards.

Here's a weird fun-fact about the song. There's a line "...to save the goats inside the flock." I didn't watch the Mister Rogers documentary until after I wrote and recorded the song. There's a part where his wife said he was scared he wasn't gonna make it to Heaven or something - and he used goats as a metaphor for people who were not going to go to Heaven. Weird, man. Maybe I was all psychic or something when I wrote that line. In any event, if someone like Mister Rogers cain't make it up to Heaven, then all the rest of us are screwed.

Weird mister rogers song mix 2
This is last week's song if you turn it around backwards. Actually, I'm fibbing just a teeny tiny bit. Some of the vocals weren't synchronized with the rhythm in the turned-around version, so I had to mix down some of the vocal tracks separately and then fuck around with the timing of them, relative to the rhythm track, in order to make it work.

Here are the lyrics:

Good Old Fred he gave a talk / to save the goats inside the flock

It felt like turning back the clock / to little kid land when things rocked

-

Mister Rogers came that day / To wipe the students’ tears away

Did the angels send him there? / because they dropped the ball but they still care

Mister Rogers said that it’s a privilege to be right here

And that kindness is the best / it takes away the darkest fear

Mister Rogers came that day / To wipe the students’ tears away

Did the angels send him there? / because they dropped the ball but they still care

I cannot believe how good that talk was

It made you feel better and I think that is because

There’s a person in the world who is him

Beaming tons of light on the souls that got dim

I wish Mister Rogers could come right back

To make us feel better even when our days are black

But Jesus up in Heaven said they needed him there

To sing away the darkness in a world that does not care

It is a beau- beautiful day. Neighbors are nice. They come out and play.

One day, I started writing a song about a fucked up school. Then, a few days later, that lawsuit came out, involving those pervy professors in the Dartmouth Department of Psychological and Brain Sciences. I was all, oh, my stars!!! That's where I got my Ph.D.! Then I finished writing the song about a week later. I thought it was just a song about how the school system fucks up kids, but after I finished writing and recording it, I realized parts of it were about my experiences in that poopy psych department (the unconscious mind works in mysterious ways). In any event, I decided to write an album about a fucked up school in order to process my experiences of having been in that department and how the culture there impacted me. This album ain't necessarily about Dartmouth, per se. It's more of a weird, inner exploration where I'm, like, having a fucked up dialogue with my unconscious about my experiences at Dartmouth. Jung used to call that kind of stuff "active imagination." 

Backwards Song With Mister Rogers In It

BACROGRS

This is the backwards version of the next song in the album about a fucked up school. It's got Mister Rogers in it, but that won't become apparent till next week. Then you'll find out what those angels' discourse is about, too. Yesiree.

Post-script: oh, fuck, I forgot to draw wings on those angels. Poop.